There are four types of love that can be expressed and experienced within a marriage.

• Agape Love
• Phileo Love
• Eros Love
• Storge Love

In our marriages we want to have as much Agape, Phileo, and Eros love as is possible. We also want to minimize our Storge love as much as possible. An interesting phenomena is: To increase Eros, reduce Storge and To reduce Storge, increase Agape and Phileo.

The first type is Agape Love. Agape love has the characteristics of God's love. This is beyond our ability to do alone. God needs to be in us for us to express or experience Agape love. If God is in us he can love through us. Our spouse can experience our expression of God's Agape love. They are experiencing the presence of God's love in us flowing to them through being with us. This can happen if we allow God to love them through us. Many times the only love that will keep a marriage together is God's Agape love. It is beyond our capacity alone to make this kind of commitment. At time we don't feel loved by our spouse. These especially our times we need to allow God to love our spouse through us.

Phileo Love is a different type of love. When we love our spouse with Phileo love we are caring, friendly, compassionate, understanding, and being a good brother or sister. This is friendship love. We need to treat our spouse's with Phileo love as tenderness and understanding to be a good friend and companion, somebody they enjoy being with and doing things with. In times of crisis or sickness Phileo love emerges as taking care of as well as caring for and caring about. It is the responsibility of being a kind and loving friend.

Sometimes love is passionate and romantic. This is Eros love. Frequently when we think of love in our culture we think of eros or erotic love. While this is part of a marriage it cannot by itself sustain a marriage. Sometimes Eros love is fueled by infatuation. This is why many people get married in the first place. There is nothing wrong with this, but it tends to come and go over the life of a marriage and is subject to many different concerns. Under stress it sometimes increases for a man and decreases for a woman. At different times in their lives both men and women experience physiological changes that can also affect eros love. One of the common complaints I hear in marriage counseling is "I still love my spouse but I am no longer in love with my spouse." Translated this means " I Phileo my spouse but I don't feel Eros for my spouse at this time." While this is common to many marriages it is not reason to give up. As a couple continues to work on their marriage Eros usually eventually returns.

Storge Love is the love a parent feels for their child. It is the love that is given out of parental responsibility with no thought of return. When we love our spouse with Storge love we become accountable and take responsibility that may or may not be ours to take depending on the circumstances. Sometimes if a spouse is injured or diseased we have to assume the parental role of caretaker. This is different than Phileo love where we are caring and being a good friend. This is becoming the parent and making decisions or handling the crisis or the finances. Temporally this is all right and even appropriate. Over a long period of time it becomes burdensome and wears us down. If it is legitimate due to accident or illness that is one thing, but if we are taking responsibility that our spouse should and could take that is something else. That eventually wears down our capacity to love in the relationship especially without Agape love. It also does something else quite interesting and unique. God place within us an incest taboo. This means we are to Storge love our children but not Eros love our children. When applied to our spouse this means that as our Storge love goes up our desire for sex and romantic Eros love goes down.

How do you love?

What is your love score?
Complete the Love Analysis Assesment to help you identify how you love your spouse,
and how you think your spouse loves you.