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View My Profile on Christian Counselor Directory
COUNSELOR'S CORNER 
Friday, September 18 2009
 When I counsel I find two simple formulas especially helpful. The first one is satisfaction = to reality/expectations, which can be changed to feelings = behavior/beliefs. In this formula the individual's feelings or level of satisfaction is determined by how their reality meets with their expectations. If I expect something to happen, expect someone to behave or act a certain way, or expect a particular outcome in my life and that is what is happening I feel good or satisfied. If my reality doesn't meet my expectations I feel bad or sad or disappointed or dissatisfied. When my spouse does what I want her to do or acts or behaves in the particular manner I expect her to do I am happy or satisfied. When she doesn't I'm disappointed or dissatisfied. 

The other formula is a component of the first. It is behavior or performance = ability x motivation. My behavior or my performance is a function of my ability to do something multiplied by my motivation to do something. Sometimes I have the ability but I'm not motivated. Sometimes I may be motivated but not have the ability. 

When we put these two formulas together we get some very interesting results. First, if I examine my feelings and why I'm satisfied or dissatisfied I find areas in my life where I feel happy and areas where I'm not so happy. When I examine my relationships with others, for example, I find places where I'm satisfied and where I'm not satisfied. If I examine a particularly key or significant relationship I may find some areas where I am not satisfied with how the other person is acting or behaving. Therefore, my satisfaction = their behavior/my expectations. When they don't meet my expectations of them I'm unhappy, disappointed, or dissatisfied with them or more specifically with their behavior. When I examine their behavior I need to ask if they are not meeting my expectations because they cannot or will not. Are they unable to perform the behavior I desire or unwilling to do so? Human nature being what it is I usually vent my frustration with the belief that they are unwilling when in fact that may not be the case at all. 

What if they are unable? Do they know what I desire? Do they know that I'm dissatisfied? Have I clearly communicated my dissatisfaction in a clear way that describes what I desire in their behavior or am I just angry and upset? What if I could step back and taking time to think examine their behavior, my beliefs or expectations and determine first what am I upset about? Is my expectation realistic? Could they do it if they had to and do they truly know what I desire? If they could and they are not is there some other logically reason they are not motivated to do what I want? Does it perhaps require more time, money, or energy then they have to give right now or some other change in their behavior that they are unwilling to change or not in agreement with me that the change is necessary and therefore we may need to spend some time communicating, which will involve listening, understanding, accepting and coming to some type of agreement. 

If I take the time to work through the formulas myself or with my folks in counseling all sorts of good things happen including increasing understanding and awareness of my expectations, my behavior, and my beliefs, which are the only things in my control. Therefore, if I change my behavior, my beliefs, or my expectations, I can influence and increase my level of satisfaction or happiness by changing my feelings. Interesting. 

Helping Hearts Heal, 
Dr. Dan L. Boen













Posted by: Dr. Dan L. Boen AT 09:52 am   |  Permalink   |  Email
Thursday, September 17 2009
 We are now using Twitter on our web site www.cccoi.org. Daily I review pertinent articles from the field of psychology and Christianity. Those that I believe have merit for our site or our readers I select and post on Twitter. These articles show up as posts in the Twitter box found on the lower right hand column of our home page. When you log into our home page at www.cccoi.org you can read any of these articles that interest you and that you find relevant to either your life or work.

 

Some of the articles are especially relevant and timely for the work we do with people in counseling. You will see across the top of our web site several areas. Each area from Welcome, Personal, Relational, Parental, Communal, and Spiritual contain sections, which can be accessed from a drop down menu. Each section contains timely articles, links to other web sites, information, and sometimes videos that we have found especially helpful to people in counseling or seeking information regarding mental health or counseling from either a secular or Christian perspective.

 

We have tried to post a variety of sources and information that is screened for content, relevancy, helpfulness and appropriateness to the section assigned. For example, if you are a couple needing help with communication or working with a couple needing help with communication you can go to the Relational Area and under the section marked Communication find a number of sources, articles, and videos designed to help couples improve their communication. If you are an individual dealing with depression or working with someone who is or thinks they might be depressed you can go to the Personal Area and under the section marked Depression find a number of interesting and helpful articles and resources for help with depression. If you are looking for a way to relax and unwind or refocus you might look under the Meditation section under the Spiritual Area or read the Daily Scripture provided to us by Daily Scripture.

 

We have tried to make the web site easy to use but as comprehensive as we can in dealing with the problems of every day life to severe mental disorders and crises while identifying help from many sources and resources. So if you want to take our site for a test drive whether to just follow the Twitter postings for a while or to search for something more specific in your life or work feel free to do so. After all it is free and accessible and available. If you find that there is something you are looking for that you think would be helpful to you and others and you cannot find it on our site let me know and we will look for it and try to incorporate it into the site. You can email me at danboen@aol.com.

 

 

Thanks for looking and enjoy!

 

Helping Hearts Heal,

Dr. Dan L. Boen

Posted by: Dr. Dan L. Boen AT 10:34 am   |  Permalink   |  0 Comments  |  Email
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Christian Counseling Centers of Indiana
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