Hi. I'm Blaise ₍⸍⸌̣ʷ̣̫⸍̣⸌₎ I like cats more than I like people. Stigma Fighter & Mental Health Advocate Destigmatizing Borderline Personality Disorder.
Borderline Personality Disorder is one of the most misunderstood, stigmatised & complex mental health diagnoses.
One could write pages relating to the condition BPD and a layman’s understanding would still be incomplete.
For this reason I am going to try and keep it short, simple and concise as I can and explain to you what BPD is to me.
BPD is intense feelings of loneliness & an inability to sit with myself without resorting to poor coping behaviours.
BPD is extreme emotional vulnerability & sensitivity. Feelings of severe internal distress are triggered easily.
BPD causes a slow return to my baseline. This means strong emotions & cognitions tend to take a long time to dissipate.
BPD feels like I am ‘dying inside’ immense emotional turbulence & pain, distress beyond explanation.
BPD is feeling as though my emotions are so impossible to live with that they will surely kill me. Most of the time it feels as though my emotions are in control of me and I am not in control of my emotional world.
BPD is impulsive behaviours and an inability to ‘think before I act’ and ‘learn from my mistakes’ time and time again.
BPD is extreme & rapid mood swings ranging from periods of depression to somewhat dysphoric & delusional bouts of mania.
BPD is paranoia and anxiety, especially in interpersonal circumstances.
Problems with ‘attachment’ especially with authority & care-giver figures e.g. therapists, teachers, etc.
A history of suicidal ideation, tendencies & threats. Multiple short & long-term admissions to A&E, hospital and crisis houses.
Risk-taking & thrill-seeking behaviours as well as chronic boundary-pushing & rule-breaking, especially with authority.
Self-destructive tendencies, especially self-injurious behaviour mostly through cutting. This has also manifested through eating disordered behaviours, alcohol & drug abuse. Others may struggle with sex, spending, gambling & other addictive behaviours.
Lack of sense of self. Having to define myself based on my external world & lacking a fundamental secure sense of a ‘true me’, only being able to have an idea of who I am by looking at evidence & cues in the people & world around me. Only being able to have an idea of who I am by looking at evidence & cues in the people & world around me.
BPD is depersonalisation (feeling as though I do not exist, am not in my body & am not in control of thoughts/actions).
Difficulties with appropriately expressing my anger often leading to heightened displays & outbursts of intense pent-up emotion.
A highly severe guilt & shame complex in response to every imperfect interaction or perceived personal failure.
Feelings of self-hatred, self-loathing, hopelessness, despair, especially in response to making mistakes that impact others.
Black-and-white thinking as well as the tendency to engage in catastrophic thinking, mind-reading & jumping to conclusions.
High perceptiveness of people and circumstances around me, to the point of unhealthy & paranoid hyper-vigilance.
Feelings of being misunderstood by the world & people around me & of never fitting in, always being on a different wave-length.
Splitting: Rapidly changing perceptions of myself & people around me from one extreme to the other.
Finally manipulative behaviours such as playing people in my life off against each other. Asking multiple people the same thing until I receive the answer I am looking for, convolutedly threatening self-destructive.
I wouldn’t be like this if I knew how to not be like this. When you’re fighting BPD, you’re fighting a silent battle. No one sees how hard you’re constantly having to fight your mind.
People with the diagnosis of BPD need to be heard. We are all too often silenced by services & professionals.
People with BPD are not a bunch of stereotypes. We have emotions, feelings, dreams like everyone else. We just feel too deeply.
Living with BPD or people who have it is a blessing and learning curve in itself. Stay patient, focus and appreciative.
People with BPD are many things. Often loving, kind, passionate, creative, determined, giving, ambitious, brave and caring.
The stigma around BPD is so wrong. 99% of the people I’ve come in to contact with are absolutely loving, giving and caring.
For more information and support, follow my Twitter BPDBanter